Summer Vacation!

Well, the kid is finally done with school! We have an action packed summer planned, for her at least! She's doing drama day camp, week-long sleepaway camp, we're driving to Ohio and back, she'll do girl scout day camp, and then Bible school! If I could find a day camp and afford it for next week--she'd be in it! She got pretty good grades, although her math dropped significantly. The teacher sent a summer review book home, so we'll work on that a few times a week (as recommended).

She's doing good with her cast, although it's staying on a bit longer than we expected. They changed her yesterday to a waterproof cast, and this comes off on July 7th. Which is good because she leaves July 15th for sleepaway camp, where she's getting riding lessons. She'll have to wear a brace for a month or so, since the bones are more fragile due to them having to straighten themselves. At least no more taping her up with duct tape to shower, and she can swim!!

I've managed to get a cold! I was rarely sick this winter, but now I've got one horrid cold!! Sore throat, cough, sniffles--the whole gamit. This comes right on the heels of having to have a tooth pulled last Friday because of an infection!

I have been stitching obsessively again. As a result, I have two finishes this week! Those will come in a minute. I also reorganized my WIPs and realized I really really want to get some of this stuff finished. So I posted a StRIP list on the Rotation BB, and set myself some (I think realistic) goals. So here are my finishes!

This is Drawn Thread's The Birth Band. Stitched for my godson. This is a JOY to stitch, and so pretty!


This one is Teacher Gift from Annalee Waite Designs. I finished something else for her teacher this year, so I'm all set for 4th grade!!

Taller than any Tall Man

Dear Ray,

I can hardly believe that it has been a year that we said goodbye to you. It was just yesterday I was meeting you for the first time--nervous, scared and oh so hopeful you would approve of your son's choice. You welcomed me with a hug, and that darling smile. What you lacked in height, you more than made up for in love, strength, joy and pride in your family. I can remember laughing with you, getting to know you, growing to love you--it was all just yesterday.

Sometimes I have to catch myself, and remember I can't pick up the phone to share something with you. The old adage of 'time heals', while true, it isn't completely honest. Neither time nor distance can change anything when something reminds me of you, or I focus on a collection of pictures of you. Those days I miss you so much it hurts just as much as it did a year ago. Even more so when Alex does something so grown up that it startles us, or watching Tory grow into her smarts, and get excited about learning something new. It is those times, especially, that I miss you the most.

Your presence is here though. I feel it so often, know that you watch us and love us all still. In fact, with your far flung children, it's probably much easier now! I know you were at our Wedding Blessing in October. We both felt you there, and took so much joy from it. I know you were there when I was Confirmed, and I wish I could have shared that moment with you just as I shared my journey. It was amazing to realize you had traveled the same path as an adult, and your wisdom meant so much to me then. Even as it does now.

Your grandson is growing up to be such a good man. Amazingly he'll be 17 this summer, and I am so grateful we put so much effort into your being here for his 8th grade graduation. He's seemed to settle into school, getting good grades, planning a thoughtful future. But I know he misses you so much. He plays the CD's of guitar music that were yours, and plays his guitar, and I know he thinks of you often. You have so many more reasons to be proud of him-- I know you were.

I never told you how overjoyed and thrilled that I was when you loved Tory just as your own. She was so happy to have another set of grandparents, and she adored you. I never thanked you for opening your heart to her the way you did. Anyways, in typical Tory fashion, she has lost tons of teeth, grown none of them back yet--and managed to break her wrist this year. I can't help but think you were there when she wrecked, since she should have hit her head. She misses you so much too, and asks me often if I think you are watching over us. I tell her of course, and when we lost one of our cats, she started comforting herself by saying "Well I bet Shai is playing with Grandpa Ray." Oh Ray thank you so much for loving her and giving her such confidence in her family's love.

And your son misses you more than he is ever willing to say out loud. I catch him looking at your pictures, when he doesn't think I'm looking. He has come so far Ray. He felt your absence so strongly in the midst of his 40th birthday. We stayed in the same hotel we all spent Thanksgiving in, and it was hard for him because I knew he was picturing you reading in the armchair. I know you were already so proud of him Ray, but he says he is working on becoming more of the man you saw in him... more of the man his father would have been proud of.

As for me Ray, you were far more than a father-in-law. You were so accepting, so giving, so loving. Your loss left a hole in my heart, because I never was able to tell you directly how much you meant to me. I didn't realize it myself. I know you knew, but I wish I had said it out loud. The way you lived your life Ray, inspired and inspires me. I'm not that good at it all yet, but I try everyday.

It is so amazing how your life changes in the timespan of a year. Things that were so important, so crucial become things that aren't so vital anymore. Petty hurts, grudges, the past. And how other things, that you may not have been so good at, or so devoted to--become a focus of your life. Church, family, gentleness, honor, love.

We try to live as you lived Ray. Live Life on Life's Terms. Do the Next Right Thing. Know that sometimes is more important to be happy than it is to be right. You taught me-more than my own family ever could have-how important *family* is. How to cherish and nurture those bonds, because at the end of the day that is the most precious thing we have. Your passion and intensity for life showed us that no matter the trials, no matter the hurdles, no matter the work--staying true to yourself and your family is most important. And that no matter the issue, it can be done. You were a generous and kind, wise and loving, intelligent and playful, and loyal man.

Thank you for your inspiration, your unshakable faith in us, and most importantly--your unwavering love.

Taller than any Tall Man by far.
I love you.

What a May!!

What a whirlwind month this has been!! Whew! This is going to be a picture packed blog, trying to catch up with all that has happened this month!

I spent a glorious two weeks in PA with my best friend and my godson! I forgot how snuggly and loving newborns are! And since he is much smaller than my own nearly 9 year old baby, I constantly marveled at his size! I think when Crys handed him to me I said "My goodness I've stuffed bigger turkeys!" He is an adorable baby and so sweet. My nickname for him is Guppy, and he was starting to mimic the fish-face I was doing to him by the time I left! Here is my favorite picture:


I got home late on a Saturday night, and that Monday my energetic daughter was bike riding with a neighbor when she, according to the boy "flipped her bike". It was one of those mom moments, as I was running down the lane and picking her up off the road, that I knew something serious was wrong. After an evening spent in the ER, we came home with one broken wrist, several probable cracked ribs, an 8 year old who was starting to resemble an old banana she had so many bruises, and two very grateful parents. She wasn't wearing her helmet, and I shudder to think where we'd be if she'd hit her head. Thank God and her guardian angels for that! She's devastated that her softball season is over. We're thinking about seeing if we can hire a coach for some lessons in late summer and winter because she has serious talent. So here's a shot of her cast..when she finishes getting it signed, I'll post a new picture of that. Of course, she got hot pink!


Somewhere in all that, I finished something! I finally finished Mirabilia's Christmas Elf Faery! I stitched her on a Country Stitch Kiwi Illusions, and changed the Mill Hill beads to Delicas. It gives it a MUCH more subtle look, but I love it. This is my first sizable finish this year for myself, so I'm pretty thrilled!!


Finally this month! I finally worked up my courage to go pick up Shai's ashes at our vet's office, and waiting for us was a note. The vet has been thinking of us, and wanted me to know that they had had a stray mom brought in, pregnant. She'd had kittens and all but 2 of them had a home. Well... I wasn't sure, but I thought okay-let's look at them. I took one look at them and was lost. It almost seemed as if this were the time, and while I miss Shai so so much... I know he would love that we all were laughing and loving new babies that needed a good home. We brought them home on Friday night, and it's been such a joy. Kittens are SO entertaining! So without further ado... meet:
Smudgers:

And... Dante:

So that's been my May! I hope yours was just as eventful and happy!
God Bless!

Friends are the family your heart chooses...

This is the wording on my most precious piece of cross stitch. It hangs in my living room, and it was a recent birthday gift from my best friend, Crystal. When Crys and I tally up all the years we've known each other, we usually stop because it reminds us how old we are! We have been friends for over 23 years. My mother once said to me when I was small "If you make 1 lifelong friend, you are rich." She was right.

Crystal and I have experienced it all! Our first broken hearts came in high school, where we were called the "Bobbsey Twins" by some of our teachers. Amusing since Crystal is tall, dark and beautiful, while I am as I always have been—short and fat! But we were always together, we went everywhere together, were each other's biggest champions. We've only fought 1 time, in nearly 24 years… and that was in 10th grade!! We went to different colleges, and typically weren't in touch as much as either of us would have liked. She finished and moved onto a good job in our hometown area, I didn't finish and moved to Philadelphia with a fiancé. Again we weren't in as much touch as either of us liked, but I know I could have called her at 3 am and she would have been there.

I moved even further, to North Carolina and had my daughter. There was no one else ever I could think of that I would want raising her if something should happen to me, so Crystal is Tory's godmother. I moved home to PA when Tory was just barely 2, and amazingly (and not a little frighteningly) Crys and I discovered we both were reading the same types of books (sometimes the SAME book) and… we'd both been bitten HARD by the counted cross stitch bug. It led into this whole whirlwind of experiences… I discovered hand dyed fabrics, floss, specialties.. all those things first because as a stay at home mom, I had more time. Crystal had no children… well no official kids!

When I moved home, and was terrified about being a single mother, Crystal promised me I might be a single woman, but I was never going to be a single parent. Crys has co-parented my daughter with me, and even now still helps when things get tense. Crystal's opinion of my now husband was far more important to me than the opinions of my own parents. There is nothing she does not know about me, or my past. She knows all of my dreams, she knows all of my faults, she knows all of my failings. And she loves me anyways. When I had to have ankle fusion surgery and be in a wheelchair for four months, Crystal was the one who brought me home from the hospital and came out every night for a month to give my 4 year old a bath. When six months later, my doctor told me my hopes for more children were never going to happen, Crystal held me while I sobbed out how unfair it was. And Crystal drove me to the hospital for my hysterectomy.

When she was having struggles, she would come to me and I would just listen. She cried on my should just as much about things. And I was one of the first she called about her surprising pregnancy.

We both cried on the phone as she'd never really wanted children, and I desperately wanted more. She said "well you know this baby will be yours too," and she meant that with her whole heart. It's the only time I've regretted being 7 hours drive away. When Crystal's son was born on Saturday, April 29… she was not the only one crying tears of joy for a much welcomed and very much wanted little boy. I cannot wait to get to her house next Monday and hug her and tell her how very proud I am of her. It's usually the other way around. We're going to finish up the nursery, and I'm going to get to watch her be the most incredible mother. And somewhere in there, I'll get to know my godson. Yeah, my godson.

If you've never had a friend like this, you can't understand it. You might think any number of things. And for those who don't have a friend that they trust enough to call at 8 am, laying in bed, basically unclothed and say " I can't move, my back is out. Come help me dress so we can call an ambulance," for someone who doesn't have a friend that they never care if they are naked, or bitchy, or pms'ing, or whatever… then you can't understand.

And Crystal? Happy Mother's Day.. your first official! I am SO proud of you. Welcome Christopher.. you are much loved, and adored already!

The beat goes on...

Hi y'all... yes I'm still here (well, I don't know if anyone missed me lol). It's been a whirlwind month since my last entry.

Today is 4 calendar weeks since we lost Shai, and it will be a month on the 29th. I never expected a little furbaby to affect my life in such a profound way, but he did, and is. I got the call from the vet to pick up his ashes before my trip but just didn't have the heart to go do that yet. I will tomorrow I think.

We just got back from 5 days in PA where I helped host a baby shower for my very best friend, Crystal. (she's crystal622 on ezboards). She's nominally due May 12th, but I'm pretty sure, as are her dr's, that she won't go quite that long. I'll be headed back down there for a 2 week stay (just by myself whee!!!) to help her with the lil one. I'm really excited about that!

I also had the chance to go see my grandmother while we were home. I haven't seen her since Christmas, and as she's not doing great, I wanted to make sure she and Tory and I all got together. It was incredible to see her light up when she saw my daughter, and how much Tory loves her 'Old Grammy'. My grandma has always been a steadying force in my life, and it's been rough to see how little she's becoming. She is still cross stitching (stamped stitching, but I have lovely pillowcases she's made me) and she does a stem stitch that you can barely see anything but a straight line!! She'll be 80 in September! It meant so much to hug her and hold her hand for an hour. We also got this picture:

Gramma is worse than I am about pictures, and rarely looks at the camera!!

See y'all soon.. take care of yourselves

At the Rainbow Bridge...

waiting for us, will be a great kitty. He was funny, and entertaining. He was loving and warm, and I will miss him snuggling onto the green fleece blanket behind my head when I was stitching. We had to put my little blonde cat Shai to sleep today, and we buried him with the green fleece he loved so much. I just pray he is happy playing in the sunshine, and I'm grateful he is in no more pain.

You were much loved Shai. I miss you.

Amazing Weekend!

We got home late last night from Boston where DH's brother, sister, and Mom along with obviously my BIL's wife gathered to celebrate, albeit a few days early, his 40th birthday! It was *amazing*

His mom so generously hosted us in the Doubletree Suites, and even insisted we have room service breakfast in bed on Saturday morning. The room was-imagine this-a beautiful suite with a huge, comfy king size bed, lots of pillows and NO KIDS! We checked in and then met his mom and sister, then waited for his brother to guide us to a nice-if noisy!- Mexican restaurant, The Border Cafe in Cambridge. Delicious food, but a bit spicy for me. I have a very mild taste tolerance, unlike my brother in law who regularly has his Indian cuisine spiced "crazy hot" and goes to Hotter than Hell Night at a local Cambridge spot East Coast Grill. We all piled back to the hotel and just spent a few hours catching up before we all went to bed.

It was lovely to sleep in until 9:00 am, and then enjoy breakfast tucked in with my handsome husband. After that it was off for a day of wandering around Harvard Square, people watching, and some window and not so window shopping. I found an incredible bead store that I will have to revisit soon! The weather was gorgeous, sunny and perfect. Then back to the hotel to rest and change for the 'offical' birthday dinner! We went to Maggiano's Little Italy... a poignant place for us all, as the first offical gathering of the families after I moved, and my now SIL moved in with DH's brother was at Thanksgiving a little more than 3 years ago. Memories and thoughts of Ray were strong, and while he was very much missed at the celebrations, we all could feel him there. The food was excellent!

Sunday bright and early I was up and in the car, zipping back to NH to pick up the kids and take them into Boston so they too could see the family! While it made for a long day, it was so very worth it! Far too soon it was time to see DH's sister off to her flight back, and then the rest of us went to Boston Beer Works for really good burgers!

It was a great weekend.. and the gimmick Dh's family came up with was to give him about 40 presents for his birthday! There were great things there, plus some funny gifts like a "grow your own duck"... some sort of sponge thing! Celebrations continue all this week and into the coming weekend, with a close family friend coming up from NYC on Friday for the weekend!

No stitching this weekend, but I'm about to head off to my spot now! Y'all take care!

Good week!

Boy it's been a busy week, but a great one! I got another little envelope in the mail from my SS, and she says I'm going to need all these lil flossies. Hmmm.... I'm intrigued!
DD has been busy, doing DI and Girl Scouts. She's got her DI competition coming up this month, on the 25th. I volunteered to be a judge because each team needs an adult volunteer... We'll see what they have me doing! She's pretty excited, she and her team have been working for 6 months on their challenge!
We're going out of town this weekend for DH's birthday. His mom and siblings are hosting us in Boston, as it's his 40th :) I've been busy all week plotting, cleaning, and now packing.
I am amazed that when I went down to my laundry room to work on laundry, there's hardly any down there! I wasn't sure that was even possible, to be totally caught up on laundry!! Yay!
Not much stitching this week, but I'm hoping to have some down time this weekend in the hotel!
Y'all take care!

Busy Busy Busy...

I realized it'd been longer than I liked since I updated my blog! :) Things have been wikkid busy around here lately, getting ready for Dan's 40th birthday party, school, etc. DD's events are starting to take off too, so my evenings are starting to get even busier!
I started Mirabilia's The Stargazer--not that I *needed* another WIP, mind you. I keep telling Dan "Need has nothing to do with it!". I am however working on setting up that rotation I talked about earlier, and see what happens. Stargazer, like so many other Mira's, isn't true to color in her picture. I'm loving it so far though! Here's my progress:

Cleanin' house day!

Yeap, Wednesdays are my house cleanin day! I used to *hate* it because we weren't all that good at keeping the day to day stuff put away so I could clean when it was time. I spent all my time playing catch up with putting this thing and that thing away. But we've really done a lot to reorganize the house, and work at keeping it cleaned up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a neat freak, and I doubt my house will ever *always* be company ready--at least not *all* of it. We still have some ways to go in getting our bedroom more organized. Today, however I was able to start early this morning and I scrubbed everything in the kitchen, then swept and scrubbed the floor. I cleaned the kids' bathroom, dusted and swept my living room, and did several loads of laundry. It felt awesome that I could just get going, and not have to "pick up" before I cleaned up.

I worked some on the Band Sampler RR I've got that's due to be mailed Monday. My goal is to have it done Friday. I also think I may be honing in on narrowing down my WIPs to my rotation list. I'm not going to try to rotate through all 36, that'd be silly. I think I'll go with the 'slots' recommendation I got on the Rotation BB. Sounds like I could possibly handle this type of a rotation!

Off to make Chicken Ceasar's for dinner! Y'all take care!

Keep on keepin on!

Well we survived vacation week, rather well I think! The alien is back to school, and I'd revel in my alone time if I weren't sick again! I've been much luckier this year, but I think I'm losing my voice again...

I really am thrilled with how focused I was during the Chatelaine Stitching Olympics! I got 8 out of my 12 goals completed, and am further along on several WIPs! We've started setting monthly goals on the Chatelaine BB, and I think this will really work for me! I'm also trying to figure out a rotation, and will implement that starting in April! I'm confidant I can get several things finished this year!

That's really all from me today, ya'll take care!

There's a baby shower!

My best friend is pregnant, and while it wasn't a planned pregnancy, it's a great thing! She's predicted to have a boy, and so all the way from NH to PA I'm helping plan her baby shower. She was so instrumental in doing my baby shower that I am so excited to do this for her. I'm also going to go down there for 2 weeks after little Christopher is born to help her out. Just like she's godmom to my little one, and like a second mom... I expect that's much how I'll be for him.

It's been so fun to crawl all over the internet and search for baby shower games, finger food recipes, and ideas for cute little favors!! It's also easier knowing that he's probably a boy... when we did my shower, we knew the alien was a girl :) There's an awesome bakery up here I want to get to make her cake.

It's snowing again here *blah* and my throat is still sore, but I've been using the down time to work in my Chatelaine stitching goals. After the Olympics are over, I'm going to set up a *gasp* rotation!! I know I know, but with 35 WIPs... I kinda need to!!

Take care of yourselves!!

We're Being Sued!!

We live on a private road, in a fairly undeveloped part of our small town. Now town zoning ordinances state that no new construction can be done on any parcel of land less than 3 acres. That's important here. We got a packet yesterday from an attorney, stating that we-along with all our neighbors here in this little area-are being sued by a gentleman who owns 65 acres of land up higher in this area. He wants to build a subdivision up there, with 19 houses on *20* acres, leave the rest for conservation, and is suing all of us for access rights to the road.

This packet came with copies of *every* original deed, all the proposed plans, and everything dating back to 1963 for pity's sake! I don't speak legalese, but it seems to me that all our deeds were written that we owned to the 'center line of the private road' so our access rights couldn't be taken away. So we have to appear in court in May!! I mean I don't even KNOW my neighbors!! But I know I don't want 19 houses back there. I'd lose my small deer family that visits me every spring, and the fox who suns himself on my huge rock in my front yard. I think the raccoons might not run away, but they surely wouldn't amble across my driveway! And I sure don't want 30 more cars coming up and down this road!

Ahh well... it sure makes life more interesting!! LOL What will happen will happen. I was just shocked to see we were named in the suit! Wonder if he'd want to buy our property? Hmmmmm.....

Y'all take care of yourselves!

Warm again!

We're home, and the power is back thank heavens! Everyone survived well, the pipes are intact, the cats burrowed. We only lost the fridge and freezer of food. Small price for when the temps were below 20 degrees!!! Tory watched a lot of curling on the hotel TV... I took stitching but just didn't manage to do it. Today I'm rising threads for Chatelaines, including some I never rinsed the threads for before!! Wow do those reds bleed!

So I decided to create a Johari window, after seeing them on several blogs. I have to confess I wasn't brave enough to create the Nohari window. I know I have a bunch of failings, but God knows I am not secure enough to hear the negative that others think about me! So here's the link to my Johari Window: http://kevan.org/johari?name=faeryxstitcher

Tory is home now for a week from school, February vacation! It was nice to sleep that extra 30 minutes this morning!

Speaking of the kid, I'm off to make lunch!! Be good to yourselves!

Wind, and more wind!

Well, I'm writing this from the warm (thank GOD) Fairfield Inn. It's quite comfy, and thanks to Dan's laptop, we can get online to check email and let everyone know where we are. The power went out on Friday, and our electric company says it might not be until Monday or Tuesday that our power will come back on.

Yeap. Tuesday. Maybe.
We had to sleep in the house last night, because we got home late and everyone in our county had an 8 hour jump on hotel rooms on us. WOW was that cold! We all burrowed under covers together, but it's not something I'd like to do again! We quickly packed, and off we came to the hotel. The very busy hotel!

I'm worried about losing everything in my fridge and freezer. I JUST went grocery shopping! And I hope the cats are burrowed into our down comforter, it's the only thing that saved US last night!

Y'all take care of yourselves!

New Look!!

Good Morning! Well, thanks to Olde Glory Designs, run by Cathy I have a new Blog format! I LOVE it, Cathy is so so talented!! I have not blogged regularly now for quite some time, and I miss it! I'll be here more than before, with most of my boring life! :)

In stitchy news today, I finished part 1 of Chatelaine's Midi Mystery 1! I set that as one of my Olympic goals and I've gotten it done! Seems like a small thing to get happy about but I'm so tickled I've made progress!!

Ya'll take care!

There Was Much Unspoken...

In any life, there are always things said and unsaid. Things done and left undone. Too many times, there is too much unsaid and undone. Once more, a young life has been cut short, and we are left to say and do what we can to ease each other's pain.

Laura, you were vibrant, full of life, and always a pleasure. We were brought together by the love of one particular designer, and together we worked to bring a bulletin board upwards. I will always remember your laugh, and the joy you had in stitching. I always envied your speed, and beautiful projects. Knowing you had Royal Holiday as a WIP, I know every stitch I put in mine will remind me of you. We may not have always seen eye to eye on some things, but we always were able to be friends.

I hope you are at peace now Laura, and with our merciful Lord.

How I wish I could stop time...

This has been one heck of a week... My grandmother was finally diagnosed officially with Alzheimer's and is now living in a home so we know she'll be taken care of. I hope that by the time I can get to PA again, she'll still know me. But if she doesn't, all I pray is that she is in a happy place in her mind.

My mom's best friend, and second mother to me died on Monday. She was so much a part of my life when I needed someone to help me interpret adult, and to help my parents understand teenager. I didn't know she was so sick, but pancreatic cancer is like that. I wish I could make it for the funeral, I don't see how that's possible right now. And it just brings back the sense of loss I've had since June. God speed and God Bless Sharon. I love you.

Fundraiser Time again!

What a year it's been! With getting Tory stable this year, and how awful her experiences she had with kids in her class last year, she remembers how wonderful she felt being a the high salesperson in her grade last year. She told me that some of the kids are hoping she is high sales again and are rooting for her, she said. The sparkle was back in her eyes, and with the summer we've had, that hasn't been there in a while. So I'm putting the info out there again if anyone would like to help her-she would be so excited and grateful! The orders have to be in on September 26th. As far as I remember, shipping is pretty hefty, so if you just want something small I'll be happy to add onto my physical order :) The wrapping paper is very worth it though!

Here's the link:
http://www.innisbrook.com/acb/basket/index_child_reg.cfm?internet_id=I51805B&DID=7

If that doesn't work, please email me if you're interested, and I'll email you and send you the info. Thanks so much!

And more wonderous mail...

Well this seems to be my week :)I got a lovely little thing in the mail again yesterday. I certainly wasn't expecting anything. I pulled a thick yellow envelope from my box addressed to me from The Stash Fairy. Now I know a few Stash Fairys, but none of them really are on good terms with me since I stopped acquiring stash at my past rate (faerys don't do abstinence well so it seems), so I wasn't sure what this was.

I opened it up and out fell Liz Turner Diehl's 15th Century European Medieval Herb Garden Chart. Wow. And not only was it a chart I've longed for for some time, it was signed.... to me. Double wow. A small note to me from the sweet person who did this just let me know I should enjoy, and that was that.

Honestly, it has been a bang-on week for mail for me. Stash Fairy, whomever you are disguised as this week--Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You brought a bright smile to my face this day. The chart is lovely, and the thought that went into having the designer sign it, and having it personalized warms me to the core. You are truly special.

Take care of yourselves.