Snuggles...
I realized today what I miss most about my DD growing up so much. I know she's almost 7... still just a little girl, but a big girl in her own mind. That is still a lil one in so many ways, but in some ways she's sooooo big. She can get dressed herself, she can make her own cereal, take her own shower, wash her hair.... etc. She can even read her own books to herself, she's so smart!! But what I miss the most.... are the Snuggles

The running, jump into mommy's arms and burrow so close into my body I used to think she was trying to crawl back into me snuggles. The tucking her head under my chin and soft happy sighing snuggles. The only mommy can fix whatever it is that is wrong and I can't put it into words snuggles. Now don't get me wrong... she still climbs into bed sometimes and snuggles up... but she's so long and she just doesn't tuck up into me as well cause she's grown up so strong and beautifully. She once barely overflowed my arms, now she shows signs of definately being taller.

I still get some of those snuggles. And my good night hugs and kisses have their own perfectly heavenly rituals of kisses all over the face and the tightest of huggles around the necks. However, I realize in missing her sweetly nestled snuggles against me, I miss snuggling. I miss snuggling with my best friend over a bowl of ice cream and gossiping about boys. I miss snuggling under a blanket to watch movies with that same friend with a box of tissues while we put together one or another of our broken hearts. Or quiet snuggles with my mom... the ones over Christmas, when I knew she wasn't able to walk to me, and I crawled into the bed next to her and snuggled to her as well as I could.. much like my lil one used to do to me. We never are too old for snuggles like that...

You know I think we all would feel better if we made sure each day had snuggle time... mandatory scheduled snuggles. Whether with friends, kids, husbands or heck even a teddy bear (although it's human warmth I think that does the trick for me) I think we all would feel better, and do better every day. So I ask you all.... Have you snuggled today ?

Monday Morning...
It's the first day of February break for the schools around here. So right now, I've got my 6 yo DD, and my 14 yo DsS home.. have had them both since Friday. The boy goes home to his mom tonight, but comes back on Thursday..for most of the weekend...DD of course stays. Now, how to keep a 6 year old active lil girl entertained with no car...

No car you said ? Well, see we're down to just one car. DH has it at work. HIS car.. the transmission decided it was done working. Just... tired I guess. But becuase it's a 15 year old Volvo--It's a wicked expensive repair...over $2000 to get everything done to get that piece of crap back on the road. *sighs*

My stove also decided, apparently, that my cleaning the oven was too much of a shock to it's system. I inherited that stove from DH's first marriage. I don't think they EVER cleaned the oven. So I did. Now see, I already was down to one large burner being pretty much level and working normally, and the one small burner being off level, and working normally. The other large one doesn't work, and the other small one is toast. Well.... the day I cleaned the oven, the big one that does work decided it was in too much pain to work. Go figure.

I got absolutely zero stitching done this weekend *sighs* I meant to, I truely did.

Ya'll take care!

Some Changes!!!

Well I've been doing some stuff!! Thanks to some friends, I've got some pictures, and a new template. I'm happier... I was whining there for a while. I think I managed to keep all my posts, and all my comments too!!Let me know what you think!

Peeking in for a moment...

Hiya everyone... thanks so much for the words of encouragement... they've meant a lot to me. A bunch of you have even gone so far as to e-mail me privately, and that has been wonderful.

Saturday was Valentine's Day... and I had a wonderful day. I even got flowers and candy, although my husband had to rely on cunning and improvisation ( he swears he had a plan--he had no plan lol). But my day wasn't wonderful because I got flowers, or candy. I don't even know if I can put it into words.

We took the kids out for dinner. It seemed appropriate... we've been married just 3 months exactly on the big V-Day, and the day after we took the kids out too :) We went to a period type diner--you know those fifties types... all red and black and poodle skirts. We had great food, for just a little bit of money... well within the small budget we'd worked out. I really wanted to do something with the kids, you see. We went to pick up groceries too (hence how my husband got me candy and flowers *grins* He got lucky!) We laughed and joked and got ice cream, and it was a lovely time. And on the way home we all sang to the songs on the CD we were listening to. One of the songs was the new remake of "Drift Away". Talk about bridging the generational gaps. My husband-37, myself-32, my stepson-14, and my daughter-6-- all singing our hearts out and if I might brag since I think we all have pretty decent voices--harmonizing incredibly well. We've done it before. I've thought it really special each time it's happened. But on a day that is over commercialized and over-everything.... this was what made my day special. My family.. singing a song together, in a dark car, on the way home from a great dinner with grocery shopping behind us and treats for each waiting in the trunk. I couldn't have asked for anything more. My heart swelled with so much love it brought tears to my eyes and I actually had to stop singing for a moment, just like my eyes are welling up with tears now. Happy tears. I am so blessed. I have this family.... these wonderful kids, a great husband... and on the day of Love...when it's supposed to be all about Love.... it *was* all about Love... so much love that we were all ready to Drift Away....

Ya'll take care of yourselves...

*slips away again singing "gimme the beat now and free my soul...." *

Public Service Announcement...

I'm going on hiatus... a leave of absence so to speak...
My stress levels are off the charts, and I need to back away from a bunch of things to try and even out.
The internet/boards/chats are definately among that group.

I'm sure i'll be back, hopefully better :) Thanks !

I picked a good year it seems...

To become a football fan... more specifically a Patriots fan. My DH is a big football fan, so it was either hate it and whine every Sunday, or actually learn to like it, settle in with my stitching, and enjoy the games. I picked the latter.

So the Patriots win the Superbowl this year, capping an incredible season. It was lovely to watch, week after week. I have my team favorites :) At the top of the list is defensive linebacker Tedy Bruschi. Truthfully, even tho Tedy is quite quite handsome, with a great smile, and a great backside ;)--that's not why I really started to "pick" him out each week. He loves what he does. You can see that in every play. He cheered on a second-string player for an incredible tackle when he was on the sidelines, and he made us laugh when, after a ref was knocked down in a game... He held up fingers to make sure the ref was okay... and then patted the ref on the butt! He also, from what I have read about him, is a great father, good husband and an all-around good guy. Isn't it nice to see that in a professional sports player ?

Speaking of great, Tom Brady reminds me of a big goofy kid out there just having a fun game too. I really think that's what I really love about this Patriots team. They get the job done, but they do it with style, grace and a whole lot of joy. The pressure never gets to them, not that the fans see it. The Caroline sideline coaches, and the quarterback let the pressure get to them... you could see it in the words they were saying. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what some of those 'potty-mouth' words were. The Patriots seem to be a team that I can happily be a huge fan of (I'm asking for a Bruschi jersey, and a championship hat for my birthday) because they just ... love the game.

Mind you, I don't think that they are all what we see.... we're all human after all. Too many times in sports, the figures that are revered and loved are awful role-models for our children. Drug and alcohol abuse is more common I'm sure than we hear, but it's not like there isn't pressure on these athletes. They are also compensated quite well for this pressure.

I was grateful, however, as I watched a piece done by SuperBowl Today show on the special needs children of quarterbacks, and the foundations and charity work that comes from the painful struggles of these kids and families. The attention that Dan Marino has brought to autism, or Boomer Esiason to the illness his son has helps many other families, not fortunate enough to have the resources these families have. The heartbreaking story of the 5 year old son of Trent Dilfer, who died after a long battle with a rare virus had me grabbing my 6 year old DD and squeezing her so tight she squeaked.

It was a great Sunday. It was an incredible game. And in many ways, it helped me remember--I am one lucky woman.

Ya'll take care of yourselves today.

Okay.. it's not Friday..

But here's what I've seen referred to as the "Friday Five".

Right now what is your favourite....

1: ... food?
Tomato soup with milk, butter and pepper :)

2: ... song?
Someday by Nickleback

3: ...tv show?
The West Wing

4: ... scent?
black cherry or raspberry candles :)

5: ... quote?
"lights! lights would be good here!" -Pretty Woman

*grins* have a great weekend, ya'll.

Crystal Indulgence....

I've had a few emails today asking me about the scissor fobs :) How, why, etc.. those types of questions...
It really was a snowball that sorta rolled me up in it as it rolled down a hill *grin*. I love sparkly shimmering things, and had a number of fobs that a friend had made for me. I also have a love for swarovski crystal beads, and kept wanting to learn how to do some beading. I had made a few fobs for myself, and showed them to a few people. Marie expressed that she would be happy to carry something like that on her website, and WHAM the snowball started down the hill!
It's exciting to me... I knew I wanted to make something affordable, yet elegantly indulgent. Nothing sparkles like a swarovski bead! Putting together the different designs is challenging, I don't want them all to be the same arrangement, else that will get boring!

So I set out to make fobs that were elegant, beautiful and a treasured indulgence for stitchers that remained affordable. Cause everyone deserves these beautiful pieces of "scissor jewelry" :) :) :)

Anyways, that's how Crystal Indulgence came about!

And the beat goes on...

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. Life has been swirling around and I've just not really been in the mood to write. However a bunch of cool things are happening :)

My little fun in making beaded scissor fobs is catching some speed and attention :) Marie from ABC Stitch Therapy is going to carry them on her site!! :) :) :) :) I'm so happy... I think everyone should have pretty things for their scissors. And they are really fun to make! I sent one to Prinn and she was happy with it I think LOL. They are called Crystal Indulgence, cause everyone needs some indulgence.

I've gotten back into therapy, and have some prescriptions for new medicines. I can't fill them til next week, but I hope they help!.

I put my progress of Enchanted Dreamer up on my Webshots album. :) Let me know what you think of the colors :)

Ya'll be good to yourselves...

Tidbits from my day...

I'm not a particularly witty person, and I don't do well with introspective writing unless I'm doing it about my personal journey, and some of that stuff would bore you, and others of it would be a bit more than I want to talk about! ;) So here's some tidbits of the last day or so in the crazy life I lead :)

--You know you've been stitching wayyy more than too long--- You are sitting with your husband and discussing what colour to paint the kitchen. Now the theme for our house is emerging to be shades of sage green and shades of purples. The Living room is periwinkle, and we just bought a medium sage/rich plum bedset. The kitchen is fruits with deep hunter greens and deep harvest purples. My plates are fruit themed with beautiful sage green 'leaves' so I wanted to do something with sage on the walls. We decided to go to Home Depot this spring to learn colour wash painting. I say " I think I want a lightish sage with a wash of 712 over it." DH looks at me funny, and says "Did you just use a DMC number??" Blinking a bit I replied, "Did I just say 712?" and we both just giggled and giggled. Hey at least he *recognized* it was a DMC color!!

--Kids!-- One of my joys lately is hearing Misty's daughter yell out "Mommy!!" randomly thruout the day. It reminds me of when DD was tiny... but loud. But today she also came up to me and nuzzled into my neck and whispered oh so softly she loved me. I love those moments.

I also started my therapy sessions today. And I found I can do stairs with no pain!! Now that might not mean much to most, but when you've had 2 ankle fusion surgeries, on the same ankle--losing 60% of your side to side range of motion, being able to *walk* without pain was wonderful. Steps are just an added bonus!

Ya'll take care, I think I'm gonna go stitch :)

and we're back...

Ooookay.. I figured out Haloscan, and got them up and running. Can't figure out how to customize it tho *sighs* I swear I should just give up on this stuff!

Anyways, if you've got a comment about any of my topics in the last few days, feel free to post them! :)

Dealing with the past....

I sat down today, tripping down memory lane and I realized how far far I have come. But I didn't get this far on my own. And when I remember the path of destruction I created, oh heavens I wonder if I can ever make amends to people in my life. Some of those people I damaged I can't even find to apologize for my actions. I wish I could. Sometimes the inability to find the ones I hurt the worst when I was at my sickest bothers me to this day.

THey are the ones that are angry with me, I'm sure. They have every right to be angry. I did things that were reprehensible and horrific. I was so self-contained and selfish that I never realized the effects my actions had on my family, my friends, my daughter and even at my job. I just felt 'oh poor me, oh god why won't anyone like me, why won't they do anything for me?" Well, the answers came after I got medication, and after I began to learn how to see reality. I had to make a commitment to getting healthy, I had to make the commitment to learning how to deal with all my emotions again. And I had to make the commitment to make amends to those I hurt.

That was the hardest thing I did. There are some that can't forgive me. I hurt them too badly... destroyed their trust in me, and in our friendship. I had to accept that they may not be able to deal with the change, and I had to realize I was probably never going to be trusted by many ever again.

That was 4 years ago. Do I still feel bad about some of those things I did ? You bet... if I didn't, I wouldn't like myself very much.

Be good to yourselves.

The cycle begins...

Pretty heavy topic in my last post eh ? I don't really want anyone to be worried over me, though. I appreciate each and every one of you who either commented (when the comments were still working) or those of you that emailed me. I was touched, and thank you all so much.

Today is a much better day, and I'm actually feeling better. My husband is a wonderful man, and though this is his first actual experience with me cycling, he's doing wonderfully. I warned him these thigs could happen, and he's being awesome.

I've spent a bunch of time stitching actually. Enchanted Dreamer from Mirabilia is screaming at me something fierce, unlike anything has done since Middy. I should be working on Mystery 6 part 1, esp as I want to keep up with this one. I just can't seem to put the lovely sleeping faery down. Which is sorta bad, and sorta good. I'm not sure how much of my not being able to sleep at night is my desire to work on her!! I've made a bunch of progress since I started her on January 1, not withstanding the need to frog out about 5 hours worth of work! Now, since I was arm-twisted into kitting this lovely up by Stacey, ala the Prinncess *grins* I wanna see hers!!! :) :) :)

I'm enamoured of a song lately. I really like the band Nickleback, and have just *now* heard the new song that's been out for a while "Someday". I really really like this... calls to me in ways of the past.

Ya'll take care today.

The darker side of the moon...

Those of you who have come to expect my blog to be light, airy and bubblegummy, and only wish to read light airy and bubblegummy should probably hit your backbutton now. This morning's entry is not and will not be.

Warning given...

Many of my friends know that I am a bi-polar type2. For those of you know at all familiar with bi-polar, it means I'm manic depressive, a much more widely recognized title for my illness. The Type 2 means I swing more towards depression than mania. Which is honestly (in my strange little world) easier for me to deal with. I don't know how I'd deal with super happy don't care about the consequences manic trips. I tend to care too much. I also suspect I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (or whatever that name is). I don't do cold very well, I thus don't go outside often in winter. And I chose to move to New England. The silly things we'll do for love. Where is this ramble going?

I'm struggling lately. Between some issues with my mother, the weather, recovering from Christmas finances, and just this weekend, our furnace teetering on the edge of disaster on the coldest weekend of the year so far, I am struggling. Thank heavens I can recognize I'm struggling, and called a therapist to re-start bi-weekly therapy. There was time I wouldn't have. I would have blithely tripped along in my fantasy world, doing infinite amounts of damage with lies, deceit, blurred reality lines and self-destructive behaviour. That was what my life was like before I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 28.

Now if my father were reading this, he would be horrified I'm telling the world I have a mental illness. To him, mental illnesses are akin to taboo, shove it under a rug, don't tell anyone that you are flawed, my god how could this be my child. This is the same man who thought my daughter was just a little excitable. If you know my daughter, or have heard her on the phone, you know better. But it does bring up the question--why am I taking my bubble-gum blog into details of my intimate life?

I remember how awful being that sick was. In the four years since I have been diagnosed, stable and treated, I have learned how to see the world. How to react to *reality*. I remember that sick need for attention, the paralyzing need for acceptance, and the belief I was never going to be accepted for who I was. I was too loud, too fat, too ugly... too many "too's". And everytime I made my self-fulfilling prophecy happen, it was another nail in my self-esteem coffin. And when I lost it, even holding my 2 year old beautiful baby couldn't stop the thoughts of suicide from taking over my life.

I made a promise to her when I got healthy. That I'd never let my unbalanced brain chemicals ever let me take myself from her. That I'd never let myself get so out of control again that I couldn't be a mother. I've kept that promise for four years, and I'm keeping again by starting counseling this week.

Why do I put my story in the public domain like this ? First, for myself.. to remind myself of how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go. To remind myself that I hated being the way I was, and the struggles I went thru to become healthy. And as a catharsis...to put it in words, validate how I feel, and give it voice. In light of recent events, many may doubt me.. may say I am lying to get attention. They may in fact write me off, not care, or have too many of their own problems. I accept that, because I know who I am, I know I've never lied about what I am. There are many who could verify my existence is all I say it to be.

The second reason? If my story helps even one person, no matter who, no matter where... take the step to going to a doctor and saying "I'm hurting, something is wrong, help me." If my story helps just one person do that, I've repaid so many of those that helped me up, dusted me off and sent me on my way with love and caring.

Take care of yourselves, and your loved ones.
Be good to yourself.

I can tell it was full moon recently...

how you ask ? by the amount of things going crazy. Plans going awry, and everything else. I think I'll just leave today's entry at that.

stomps her feet...

I want a new look! I want a faery, and purply sparkly things, and dangit.. I can't figure out how to get them, how to MAKE anything, or even what to do about hosting anything:( My ISP webspace is so confusing to try and access I've given up. As I blog-read today, I see so many nice new ones :(

The housework bug has bitten!!

I've been quite busy today! :) I don't always sit here in front of my computer, but lately my time on my butt has increased exponentially. I think in direct opposition of how far my depression was going. However, I seem to be snapping out of it (which is very important to a bi-polar!)

So today I've stripped both beds and washed sheets, put DD's bed back up on the frame (we put it on the floor for summer since she overheats so easily), done 2 more loads of laundry, did the drain treatment for our yucky drain in the shower, done dishes, and worked on the kitchen rearrangement. Rearrangement, you say? Yeap! we're finally getting the baker's rack in place. We bought it off a friend of ours in SEPTEMBER!! I'm reclaiming the little bit of counter space we have! Our pantry shelves are moving in the basement, we've put the microwave back ON the cart (that was holding phones, and JUNK), moved my collection of pasta jars and pretty canisters to the rack, and I've decided which of my kitchen gadgets I can live with having downstairs. I'm almost as bad about kitchen stuff as I am about stash.

It's true! I have a rotisserie, the huge george forman grill, 2 crockpots, an electric skillet, a quesadilla maker, a blender, a covered deep fryer, and of course the toaster and coffeemaker. the only things staying upstairs are the electric skillet and crock pot, the toaster and deep fryer. DH has a french press now for his coffee, and the rest of my gadgets are specific enough use items that if and when I need them I'll get them. I'd be lost without my electric skillet and my crock pot. I love them, esp in winter for those cold-weather stews.

Speaking of weather, it's freakin cold!!!! Yes yes, where I live it gets cold. But it's like...6 degrees above zero outside, with a windchill of -20!!!! Kill me now. I was so worried about DD not having a scarf, and constantly losing her gloves that I called to inquire about outside recess. Luckily the school is smart and doesn't take them outside when it's this cold. That was a relief. And since I take her TO the bus and pick her up from the bus she won't be walking up our lane either. MINUS 20!!!! I told DH it was time to look for a job in a warmer climate.

I think that's just about it for now folks, it's time to switch some more laundry and work on the kitchen some more. I hope I haven't bored ya to tears! Be good to each other!

Hauling myself into the land of Abstinence...

This is going to be the hardest 6-9 months of my life. Pregnancy, a piece of cake compared to what I'm about to endure!! I'm on the stash wagon....yes, me one of the hugest stashinites ever. Sadly, our budget just doesn't have room for it. I'm not sure how well this is going to go over with my heart!! I've never been 'cut off' so to speak. However, with all the bills, and all the Chatelaines... something had to give. I'll have to sign up late for Taj Mahal :(

Seriously, it's hard to be an adult! Responsibilities and duties, children and mortgages. All these must come before me, and my stash addiction. Sometimes I want to be irresponsible. But if I am, the bills won't be paid, we won't eat and we'll be cold. Not acceptable for my family. So...it is with resolve and determination I put myself on the wagon. Let's hope I can handle it

Things that make you go...

What in the heck is the portugese doing in my comments box ? LOL I don't know anyone who speaks portugese. Ahhhh well.

Well the alien is at school today *happy dancing happy dancing*. I got my peace and quiet back!! Nearly 3 weeks without these 6 hours to myself is TOO DANG long!! I've puttered here and there, and have some more housework to do, but by and large, I'm free!! I also have to call the insurance company, yuck!!

Then dishes, dishes, and more dishes!! HOW do we get SO many dishes dirty ? I swear some nights I can't find the counters!!

And don't get me started on laundry. I swear it breeds. The towels mate and the socks run off with the washclothes!

Ever have one of those days???

Well today should have been DD's first day back at school, AND it was Brownie meeting day. Unfortunately, she was sick. *sighs* So instead of my first day free in over 2 weeks.... she's here. Watch mom descend into tears and gibbering! Not really, but dangit I was looking forward to 8 hours alone. She's feeling better, so she'll be at school tomarrow!!

Post-Christmas bills.... I hate them. Had a lovely holiday, and now it's crap! lol. Not really, but Jan/Feb are so stressful financially. I'm officially on the Wagon for stash, however. No new buys, and no more kitting (unless I get really lucky) for now.

I put in a bunch of work on Enchanted Dreamer, and then had to rip it all out. And now I've redone it and it looks really good. Heavens if I could just stick to a rotation!!

Ya'll have a great day and be good!